Surviving Swine Flu: Lessons we can learn from Zombie films

A terrible plague is sweeping the earth, the likes of which we have never seen before. Or not since that terrible Bird Flu outbreak that killed 2 swans, a barn full of Bernard Matthews and sold 2.6million extra copies of the Daily Express. Happily however, I've watched plenty of Zombie films, so I know how to keep myself safe.

Don't listen to official advice

The last act of the government before they disappear will be to gather a crowd together to be "evacuated". The infection will spread through the crowd and everyone who doesn't get infected will be trampled to death by members of their own family.

There is no cure

Don't believe the drug company PR people. This is not like any other kind of virus. Lemsip simply won't cut it, and they sold all the powerful drugs that might have been able to help to the government, and before it could be distributed they organised a stampede and then disappeared. Humanity is doomed and you are on your own.

Avoid churches

It's too late to repent - all the Churches will be full of infected. You might think that due to the dwindling congregations across the land the church would be a safe place to hide. You are wrong, God has forsaken this land, the end is nigh, and the vicar wants to eat your brain.

Loot the supermarket

You thought that watching Supermarket sweep was a waste of time, but you were wrong. Despite the rising crisis no-one panic bought tinned food and water. The shelves will still be full. If all else fails, no-one else will think of Budgens.

Flee the cities

Just as soon as it has quietened down a bit you must hijack a taxi / news helicopter / Police car / shopping trolley and flee to the country. This is is also great because the countryside is full of guns, which will help you to...

Go on a killing spree

You've ignored the official advice, abandoned religion, come to terms with the end of humanity, looted Budgens, and fled the city. Now it's time to get even.

The only way to stop the spread of infection is by removing the head or destroying the brain. If you don't have an assault rifle handy a blunt instrument will do.

If you are really desperate try giving the infected a tabloid newspaper to read.

Random Image:

Ramsgate steps
Barons Court Tube
Deckchairs on Brighton Beach

Pete's tweets (@prbass)

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